Monday, November 19, 2018

will this ever stop?

Got  a text from my ex-nephew.  a young man I adore.  He's going to be in town for t'giving and wanted to get together.  Of course, him being in town means that my ex with her new woman is having T'giving here and this just led to me having a panic attack (?)....shaking all over, unable to think straight, etc.

I love this young man but hearing that he's in town just reminds me of all that was and all that isn't and the life she chose instead of me.  And my feelings of having failed and being generally worthless (in part because L told me this many times).

Will this ever stop?  Will I ever be able to hear about her without being thrown into a disastrous spiral that requires xanax to get out of?  And the fact that I'm sure she doesn't care at all hurts all the more.  I could be hit by a bus tomorrow.  How can a pastor be so cruel as to have treated me the way that she did?

but I still care

everyone reminds me of all the ways she treated me badly, the lying, the manipulation, the outright meanness.  And these are folks who witnessed these things, not just folks who have heard from me (and friends have noted for years that I have a hard time ever saying anything bad about her and so these really are things they've arrived at without my help)

I think this is all evidence of having be traumatized.  Not only by the relationship itself but the way it ended.  Without warning, without explanation, without discussion.  The thing I had counted on and promised to be was suddenly gone when I'd gotten all sorts of assurances, etc. that we were going to work our way back (or at least if she was going to be with anyone it'd be me).  Then to be sent an email and cut out of her life with no explanation at all.  All that I believed about my future was gone.  All that I'd put up with and done for her was thrown in my face and I was discarded.  So, just hearing about her (or something that makes me aware of her), let alone seeing her, sends me into a panic attack.

Put another way.  I was really hurt.  And the person who hurt me didn't seem to care at the time or after that she hurt me.  And, I'm still recovering.

Monday, November 12, 2018

nothing new

just struggling

thankful for meds

and by struggling I mean, can't stop crying

therapist noted that I very much believe in behaving morally (apparently not everyone does) and so the fact that L behaved immorally and appears to be getting away with it (insofar as virtually no one knows about it) and the fact that she's undoubtedly not telling anyone that she every had a relationship with me and anyone who already knew has been told I'm a horrible person, hits me particularly hard.   The one thing that has helped the most, bar none, is someone who knows the history of things, when hearing about the latest turn responded with "oh god, she doesn't deserve to be happy" — this gets at the injustice I feel and having someone echo that helped so much.

Sunday, November 4, 2018

more

I just so feel so much like I don't matter, that I'm a failure.  For some reason I wasn't worth her time and instead am someone she can just pretend doesn't exist and can just be crumpled up and tossed aside with no concern at all.

I know that these feelings give her so much power.  I know that these feelings are based on a image of her that, in my better moments, I know are false.  She isn't a wonderful person and her opinion of me and treatment of me shouldn't matter.  The fact that she's chosen to be with someone else doesn't mean that that person is somehow better than me and more deserving than me.  And it doesn't matter because, among other things, I don't want to be with L.  She was not good to me in our relationship and she was not good to me after our relationship.

So, why does all of this hurt so much?  It think some of it is some sort of PTSD in that this just throws me back to where I was 3+ years ago when I first felt that depth of rejection and disposal.  So, that I'm feeling all those same emotions that I did back then.  It's like I just got whipped back to that moment and all the reason and beliefs in my head don't matter.

I just hurt so much right now and feel so much like a failure and like everything she's said about me is true.  That I'm fundamentally flawed and not worth her care or concern and for some reason that I completely don't understand, not deserving her care or concern devastates me even though I know, in my head, that she's a toxic person and that I ought to be feeling sorry for the person she's marrying.

My therapist says because our relationship was all about L, my personality became fused with her and my only sense of self ended up being about helping L and being L's partner.  Since that's how I came to define myself for 15 years — that my primary role was to be her partner, help her succeed, prevent her from being outed, protect her when I could — that someone else having this role means that I have no purpose and no identity anymore.

to be continued later....

.....I think part of what is so upsetting about this to me is that people in town think she is a wonderful person.  She's a pastor who, at least according to her, is much loved.  I'm certain that she's either not acknowledged she was in a relationship with me or that I'm a horrible person.  All of this is to say that she's got this image that is so not what I experienced.  It's this unfairness.  That she's not paying any sort cost for how she treated me.   And, that I spend at least some percentage of time (ranging from 10%-90%) thinking this is because she did nothing wrong and I deserved everything I got and that I deserved (and deserve) to be disposed of, ignored, treated like I don't exist.

....and I'm feeling hopeless and like I'll never get to the point where I don't feel this way and feel anything less than upset about the fact that she rejected me and it feels like she never gave us a real chance...I just don't understand why I wasn't good enough for her to continue to love but someone else is.

Friday, November 2, 2018

and back to weeping

found out that my ex is engaged.  15 years together, in the closet.  Not being allowed to go to her church, not being acknowledged as even knowing her in public.  And now she's publicly engaged to this woman she's living with.  3 years after things ended btwn us.  Though I suspect she was dating this woman before things ended with us.

I'm back to feeling rejected, disposable worthless, wronged.

I'm simultaneously again grief stricken and that I failed.  That she's right that I'm fundamentally flawed.  I know that she's told others that I'm a bad person and that's her explanation for cutting me out of her life after 15 years.  And I feel wrong.  I feel like I did so much to help her be the best person she could be and the thanks I got was being tossed away like I don't matter at all.  And, now she's chosen someone else who she thinks is better than me.

I don't think I want to be back with her, I really don't.  But I do want her to realize that she missed out on someone pretty spectacular by treating me the way she did.

in related news, xanax doesn't work fast enough or numb me sufficiently given the pain that I'm in

Thursday, August 23, 2018

3 years — letting go of fantasies

So, I'm at the 3 year point of things ending, really ending — that fateful day when she sent me an email telling me she was dating someone wonderful.  And haven't heard from her since. 

I still struggle with things once in a while but I realized last night that what I struggle with is letting go of this picture of the way I thought my life was going to be.  And, the reality is that my life was never going to be that way with her (and, I think, no one's life with her will ever be that way). 

I've spent a good deal of time in the last three years feeling like the future I had imagined with her was something that exists but that I just didn't have.  Sort of like a house that I want that I've been unable to get.  It's there and if I just did the right thing I should be able to get it, but for some reason I've not been able to figure out how to get it.  I realized last night that, instead, I should be thinking about this future as something closer to a flying horse.  It simply doesn't exist, didn't exist, won't exist and so I haven't lost something that I had or lost an opportunity to have something that someone else has.  What I thought I had didn't exist.  What I thought I was going to have will never exist. 

Yes, these are things that folks have told me, in not these words, for the last three years.  But I'm the sort of person (is this unusual?) who has to get things in my own time, using my own (apparently super long) route.

And, on a slightly different note (things noted before), evidence that her image doesn't match her reality: what sort of person (a) sends such an email; (b) never explains why she thought the relationship not worth working on; and (c) after 17 years and constant statements in the last two of these, when living apart, that no matter what we were still family and would be friends regardless of what happened, after all this, just cuts off all contact and doesn't do anything to maintain any sort of relationship.  This isn't a person who is committed to kindness, compassion, etc.

For the first time last night I was able to think that the person she is with now is going to, at some point, go through exactly what I've gone through in terms of being discarded and the pain and confusion that follows.

Thursday, July 19, 2018

struggling

For some reason I'm back in a place of holding myself responsible for things ending.  That there are so many things that I should have done differently (should have showered her with gifts, etc) and that there is something really wrong with me.  I feel like this relationship and all the emotions I have around it are a cancer that I've got inside of me that I can't excise.  Other people go through similar or worse things and recover in less time than has passed for me.  What is wrong with me that this continues to have such an impact on me, my sense of self and my confidence in my ability to be a worthwhile person?  Objectively, I think I might not be entirely at fault.  But I'm not even all that confident of that.  I suppose if I think of the way she ended things, her unwillingness to ever actually talk about our relationship and her cutting me out of her life without explanation, these things are concrete things I can hold onto as evidence that she is not kind.  I can, intellectually, get that a good deal can be understood by looking at how someone ends relationships.

And, despite all of this, I don't, really, think I want to be with her.  I just feel horrible that everything ended and that I some how screwed everything up.  I guess it's (a) the few moments of feeling really loved and (b) not know why she thought I was deserving of being tossed away like garbage.  And for some reason taking the fact that she thinks I was deserving as evidence that I am deserving and that something is wrong with me.

Will anyone every love me again?  Will I ever have the sort of relationship that I want?  Or am I just doomed to be crippled by this for the rest of my life?

Wednesday, July 18, 2018

rejection

When am I going to get over all of this.  The place I'm at now is that I think the main pain I'm feeling is from rejection.  Rejection without explanation and without any interest on her part to maintain any sort of connection.  I wouldn't be at all surprised if she never acknowledges to anyone that she was in a relationship with me for 15 years.

I wondering if I'm experiencing something akin to PTSD.  I can be doing just fine, feel like I've totally moved on and recovered and then something can just throw me back to the raw emotions of the first months of things ending.  I feel the pain, the doubt, the shame, the worthlessness, in all it's fullness.  Is this just something that's going to exist for the rest of my life?  What is wrong with me that I can't just be done with this?  Just realize in my heart and not only my head that someone who would treat me this way is not worth this emotional energy?

Monday, July 16, 2018

grief

sometimes the grief hits me so hard.  Usually directly in response to someone being particularly kind to me in an unexpected way and in a way that I feel is undeserved.

Today I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that I am not and will not be the person who L goes to when she's really upset.  When her parents die.  I won't be the person who is by her bed if she's ever in the hospital.  I am not and will not be the person she most wants.  It isn't that I want anything in particular from her.  It's that not being that number one person in her life, the person she turns to, is something that I'm am having such a difficult time letting go of.  I don't know if it's merely the feeling of being replaced or something else.  I really don't want to be with her.  I don' think.  I guess, maybe I just am continuing to deal with the rejection, the being discarded, the feeling unworthy and totally discardable.

And it's the feeling that I screwed things up.  That at one point she was kind to me and then I must have done something wrong to change her mind about me.  I don't know what I did.  I don't know how to not do it again in future relationships, if I ever have future relationships.

Regardless of he reason, I'm having a difficult time stopping crying.

Sunday, July 8, 2018

anger — such a healthy emotion

I may have mentioned that I seem to have, for the most part, moved from despair to grief and anger.  A friend this morning noted how healthy she thinks anger is (this was in the context of discussing the obsession some seem to have about the importance of forgiveness — even when the person to be forgiven has expressed no remorse).  Her point was a wise one.  Namely, getting to the place where one can experience anger means that one has gotten to the point of recognizing that there is a self worth protecting — a self that deserves to be treated well.  Anger is the defense of that self.

Of course, her just saying this to me made me cry which means something.  Probably.

weird tendency I have

I have this tendency to constantly round up.  When I was midway through being 36, I started saying I was 37 because I was more then half way through being 36.  But then I forgot that I'd rounded up and began to believe I was 37.  Then I started rounding up to 40 because, really, 37 is pretty much the same as 40.  Anyway, the point here is that I really began to believe that I was 37 and it wasn't until I was part way through being 38 that I realized that, wait, I wasn't 38, I was 37.  For some reason I did the math and realized I'd added a year at some point.

Anyway, this has happened in terms of how far out I am in my recovery from my relationship with L.  I've managed to round up and think that it's been 4 years (and though I might be going into the 5th year) when, in fact, I'm just now approaching the 3 year mark.  This means, among other things, (a) that I've progressed to this point in a shorter period of time than I'd thought and (b) that I'm not that far out and so I can probably be a bit more gentle with myself in terms of having not progressed further.

just sharing.

Sunday, July 1, 2018

mini-backsliding

I've been doing so well the last couple weeks but this morning am struggling.  Thinking about L and imagining that someone else has the life that I wanted with her and that there's something wrong with me that I'm not the person having that life.

I know I just need to ride this out and remember that I've been doing well and that I'll return to doing well, but in this particular moment, I'm struggling.  I have no idea what prompted this but it feels pretty overwhelming.

Monday, June 25, 2018

things I've learned

<I want to finesse this and so will be returning to this to do so>


Yesterday when I told my sister that I wish I could erase L (I've decided to use her real first initial because I'm tired of protecting her) from my mind she said she wished I could too but then said that if I did, I'd not learn all the signs that I've now learned to look to and avoid.  This came up because when I take the dog for a walk I frequently will end up thinking about L, revisiting conversations and getting frustrated.

So, today on our walk (when I'm pretty sure I saw her driving by) I was able to alter my thinking when I started thinking about her to focus on things I've learned instead of revisiting conversations and feeling, again, unheard, wrong, ignored and angry.

Here we go:

1.  Always ask, regardless of the person, whether they are in a relationship with someone else.  Always.  I was stunned to find out 15+ years later that L a pastor had been in a relationship with someone when we first got together, that that person was wrecked when she found out about me and that people in this other woman's life had to spend a huge amount of time picking up the pieces and cursing my name.  I had no idea.  If I'd known this, I'd have behaved differently and thought differently about L.

2.  If someone lies (explicit untruths that couldn't be reasonably construed to be white lies to avoid telling uncomfortable and largely trivial truths), get out.  Early in our relationship, I overheard L telling her mother that I was the one who had chosen some gift.  This was 100% false.  I'd played no role at all in choosing the gift.    When I asked about this, she said she'd said it to make me look better.  This happened a few other times — she lied to make me 'look better' and the lies were of the same sort.  Saying that I'd done something that I hadn't done and it's not like the thing that I hadn't done was something that I should have done.  They were completely unnecessary untruths.  After a few times of this happening, I made it clear that I never wanted her to lie about me again regardless of the reason.

3.  If someone continually talks about the person they want to be and the life they want to have but does virtually nothing to achieve either, this is a warning sign.  One example: L routinely talked about Buddhism and the truths in Buddhism and the importance of letting go, compassion, etc.  And yet, well, let's just say that despite reading lots of books on Buddhism, there was little evidence of her actually doing anything to do with trying to live in a way consistent with the basic tenets of Buddhism (or really, any of the aspirational views she held).

3' if other people are always to blame for her life not being good, this is a warning sign.

4.  If someone continually tells me that I'm not who I'm supposed to be but is also unwilling to elaborate or discuss, this is a warning sign (I suppose the whole vacillating between telling me that I'm wonderful and that I'm fundamentally seriously flawed is also a bit more than a warning sign).  In this same category, generally unwillingness to talk about things while still holding me responsible for changing my behavior, etc. is a warning sign.   I routinely felt like I was supposed to be reading her mind and whenever I'd tried to talk to her about things, she'd say she couldn't explain it and so wouldn't talk to me about it.  Those times when she would admit that she was upset her unwillingness to explain why and talk it through was something I took to be my fault.  I see now that willingness to talk things through is really important and shouldn't need to be dragged out.

5.  The ability to constructively disagree/deal with conflict is crucial.  If someone is unable to deal with any sort of dispute without collapsing into "I'm not a bad person.  You're saying I'm a bad person" leading me to reassure them is probably a warning sign.   Every argument L and I had turned into either me reassuring her that I was not saying she's a bad person or her saying everything was my fault and me taking this seriously and committing to try and figure out what I'd done wrong.

6. If someone pretty much never inquires about me, this is a warning sign.  Yes, some of these are painfully obvious but, at least for me, only in retrospect.

7.  If someone quietly discourages me spending time with my friends, or consistently requests that I forgo plans with friends, or, obviously, refuses to meet friends or be seen in public with me, this is more than a warning sign.  It's a big ol' flashing red light.

8.  I deserve to be high on someone's list of priorities.  I should be among the top 3 (I'll grant God and children might deserve to be higher than partners, but beyond that.....).  And being high on priorities is demonstrated through behavior (including but not limited to time spent together and time spent together in public...there should be a demonstrated interest in doing things with me not just having me around to boost their sense of self.



Okay, so that fact that I've been able to move to this place is a remarkably good sign.  It helps me to distinguish between the person I wanted to be with (the person she said she was and I kept trying to help come into being) and the person she really was.

Wednesday, June 13, 2018

baby steps

I just returned from my college reunion (and visit with my sister afterward) and the entire weekend of the reunion I did not think of P.  I'm calling that pretty serious success.  I thought about/wished I was in a relationship but didn't think of P at all.

So, there you go.

Wednesday, June 6, 2018

Next semester

On a completely different note, next semester....last fall I taught Contemporary Ethical Problems for the first time in 20 years.  It was fine (discussed the standard topics of euthanasia, abortion, animal rights, etc) but it wasn't as good as it could have been.  So, this coming semester, my plan is to use the general broad topic of consumption as the guiding idea.  We'll talk about what we eat which will get at questions of animal rights and agricultural issues, what we wear which will get at questions of labor issues, whether consuming illegal substances can ever be moral, what sorts of ideas should we engage and are there any we should avoid, should the character/behavior of an author/actor influence whether we read/watch their work, whether being defined as a consumer is a good thing (choice!) or bad (manipulative!).  I feel pretty good about this plan but realize I need to now move from a plan to actually finding articles.  I've got the last book chosen (Consumed by Benjamin Barber) but that's it.

Anyway, there you go a non-emotional breakdown/recovery post :-)

Tuesday, June 5, 2018

some days....

...perhaps many days, I want to post her real name here.

I want everyone who thinks she's this fabulous pastor to know that she was really remarkably unkind, lacking empathy and frequently unwilling or unable to consider the feelings of anyone other than herself and, maybe, her parents.

Wednesday, May 30, 2018

and progress

One of the things I get twisted up in is thinking about this relationship as having been abusive and P being a narcissist (which many folks have suggested to me).  I get twisted because she used to say these things about me (and many other folks).  And so I start convincing myself that I'm the narcissist.  Well, yesterday, very helpfully, my therapist pulled out her copy of DSM and read the characteristics of being a narcissist.  And, even I, in all my self-doubt was able to recognize that I don't meet a single one of the characteristics.  So, that was good.  And, I was able to see that much of what P did could be seen as having narcissistic tendencies — and that's with my tendency to bend over backward to see everything she does in a positive light.

All of this, and other conversation, has had the very positive effect of something 'clicking' into place and me feeling better about her being in my past than I have at any point in the last 3.5 years.

So, hopefully, I can have this blog post function less as a personal journal between me and the bots and more as a place to think through other things.

Sunday, May 27, 2018

I'm an idiot

So, last night I flipped from grieving, despair, anger (all felt at different times and sometimes simultaneously) to hope....stupid hope.  Hope that if we are meant to be together that we will be.  That she'll come to her senses and see that, in fact, we are meant to be together.

Yes, I'm an idiot.

But, I'm not crying.

Friday, May 25, 2018

anger

I asked a friend yesterday who is a survivor of sexual assault how she dealt with the fact that her assailant walks around in the world with people thinking he's a decent person.  How she deals with her anger.  She said that she still feels the anger but that she's been able to leave that person out of her life and so she rarely thinks about him or the anger.  And, she noted that I shouldn't try to get over the anger too quickly.  I've spent 3 1/2 years feeling despair and like I did something wrong (and I still do feel this much of the time) and that anger is evidence that I'm taking myself seriously.

So, that was helpful.  Getting permission to be angry when so much of our world does not allow for women to be angry.

But I still struggle with the memories, which take me by surprise, of P being particularly kind and gentle with me and it's easy for me to focus in on that instead of the hurtful treatment and comments and then I spiral to a place where I become convinced that no one will ever be kind and gentle with me.  That I will never be someone's beloved.

Thursday, May 24, 2018

Depression?

For those who haven't experienced depression, trying to imagine it is, I'm guessing, difficult.   Some people describe it as a dark cloud and I've experienced that.  Times when it's felt that one is just surrounded by an endless dark fog that is impenetrable.  Impenetrable insofar as nothing can make its way in and I can't make my way out.   If you've ever been sick and felt, while sick, that you were never going to get better, this is what depression feels like.  Whatever the metaphor, it feels unending and just what life is going to be.  No amount of logic or reason can penetrate.

But what I've been feeling recently (and the meds have helped immensely) is less a shroud of gray and meaninglessness than feeling like I've been pulled under crashing waves and am just being spun around under the water, pummeled by the sand and not being able to figure out how to escape.  So, it's not merely sadness or feeling closed in and unable to get out, it feels violent, chaotic, absent of reason.  Maybe this is the feeling of depression combined with feeling continually assaulted and wronged with no way to break out of it.  But, when the meds work, what they do is calm the waters.  I'm still treading water but I can see the shore and there's some fog but not much.  But without the meds, it feels like panic is the only reasonable response.

Wednesday, May 23, 2018

Argh

Today as I was leaving a movie theater, I saw a couple who had been congregants in P's former church and who I knew well from work and who were among the few who knew that P & I were a couple.  When they asked how I was, I said it'd been a tough last few years and being angry I said "it's difficult when people aren't who they appear to be."  The wife of the couple, said something like "well, she just couldn't meet your needs."  I said "no, she's not who she pretended to be." "She just wasn't the right one."  Now, I get it.  They were her congregants and she presents herself as this kind, caring person.  But it kills me that they don't know that she accused me of embezzling, that she refused to let people know I existed, even the people she was spending lots of time with outside of work, that she constantly ignored me and said that I was the cause of her unhappiness and that I shouldn't want anything more from her than her coming home and sleeping next to me.  That she refused to go to couple's counseling.

These folks think she's a wonderful person because she's a pastor.  She. Refused. To. Go. To. Couples. Counseling.  She refused to tell me what was wrong except that it was me but she refused any more details except that it was me (unless it was all her and I was fabulous and she was so lucky to have me in her life and please don't ever leave her)

Goddammit.  People should know how she treated me and who she really is.

Monday, May 21, 2018

I've been doing okay.  The meds are working.  I still start to cry when people tell me that things with P were not my fault.  But I've been basically doing okay.  Until this afternoon.  For some reason, I'm going down the paths of thinking that if I'd only done x or y or z that she'd still love me.  And that I basically messed everything up and lost the best thing I ever could have had.  And now someone else has the life that I wanted.

I don't know what I could have done differently.  I just keep thinking "if she'd told me what was wrong, I would have changed" "if she'd only given me a chance" and then I think maybe she did both of these things and I just screwed everything up.

so I'm sitting here crying.

Thursday, May 17, 2018

Dear Evolution

I feel like it'd be conducive to good things if, when people acted in unkind & ungenerous ways, they were to change colors.  Literally.  Like they'd have a slight bluish tinge that with each unkind & ungenerous act they became a darker blue.  Of course, if they were kind or generous (truly kind or generous not merely acting kind or generous) the bluish tinge would dissipate.

So, if evolution could get going on this, that'd be wonderful (and confirm Hume's moral theory)

Tuesday, May 15, 2018

Connections

I think that I may have been overly influenced by behaviorism.  An article idea that I've had for a long time has been to focus in on the question of what it means to say that students are responsible for their own learning.  As a teacher, when I think about my classes and what works and what doesn't, I almost always (I say 'almost' only to cover myself) take the position that if something doesn't go well, it's my fault.  That I should have organized things differently, responded differently, etc.  It isn't that I desire to be in control, but that I tend to see students on a behavioral model.  That their actions are responses to environmental pressures and that my task as a teacher is to arrange the environmental pressures in such a way that they respond in a way that is conducive to their learning.  So, when they don't do the reading, I blame myself.  When they don't write well, I blame myself.  When anything goes less than ideally I blame myself. 

I suppose part of this is also a belief that most people want to learn, be moral, etc.

Anyway, I realize that the attitude I have toward students is fairly similar to what's gotten me in trouble with P.  That is, I keep thinking that her behavior was entirely a response to my behavior and, thus, if I'd behaved differently, she'd have behaved differently.  And if she behaved in a way that hurt me, that it's my fault for not doing something different.

Yes, I recognize that I've created a worldview where only I have agency and no one else does.  And, no, I don't, intellectually, believe this is true.  But, it's the worldview I use to "understand" others and to always assume the best of them.  So, how do I rid myself of this view? 

Monday, May 14, 2018

FYI

Effexor + Abilify + Xanax (as needed) = no longer in pit of depression/despair.

I told my sister that before it felt like I'd been physically beaten up, punched and kicked and was in a room with books and paper flying all over the place as I tried to make sense of things by reading and organizing the things flying all over the place.  Now, I still feel pummeled, wounded, bruised, raw BUT it feels like I'm in a room where everything is organized and put in its place.

I'm remembering things said to me that were clearly unkind and hurtful.  Ways in which I was ignored and not taken seriously.  Etc.  No longer do I feel like I'm going crazy.

Friday, May 11, 2018

why do I care?

Earlier this week, I met some friends for dinner.  As two of us were waiting for the third to join us, I shared some of the stuff that I've been going through and mentioned that I'm struggling to figure out if I'm recovering from an abusive relationship.  I noted that part of my resistance in labelling myself as someone recovering from abuse is that I don't want to diminish the experience of people who had been really abused.  My friend responded by saying "it really is abuse" and I began to tear up and weep saying "really?  you think so?"  My friend said, well, yes, of course, emotional abuse can be even worse because it's not visible.  And, it became clear that what she thought I meant was that emotional abuse isn't real abuse and she was disagreeing with this.  I totally agree that emotional abuse is really abuse.  What I don't know about is whether my experience was one of emotional abuse.  Needless to say, she was not affirming that my experience was one of emotional abuse.

But, why did the fact that I thought she was saying my experience was abusive make me begin to weep? To feel relief?  Why does it matter to me that this was or was not abusive?  Is it really that I think that unless it was abusive it was my fault? That is was somehow fixable and, thus, something I let slip through my fingers?  I'm not sure what this is about but clearly there's something deep within me that thinks its important.  I will continue to puzzle on this.

Thursday, May 10, 2018



A tiny post insofar as it's just a memory that helps me.

One of the things P said to me as she wanted me to move and then in the email responses that resulted from my barrage of emails after she emailed to tell me she was dating someone 'wonderful' was that she was always angry.  Angry.  Always.  And that me out of her life would deal with this.

My fear as I've been thinking about how to make sense of the relationship is that *I* was the one who was abusive (that is, if we are going to start talking about abuse).  My response to moving out of the house and into my own was relief.  And, I recall, very vividly telling my therapist many times that living without her meant that I didn't feel constant shame.

So, she was always angry.  I was always feeling shame.  And she said that I was the source of that anger.  No wonder I feel like I'm responsible for everything.  An understandable response to hearing that someone is always angry and that I was the source would be to think that if I did the right thing then they wouldn't be angry and thus everything was my fault.

Anyway.  A memory that helps.

ETA:

As I walked to work and was trying not to think about this (repeating to myself over and over "you deserve kindness"), I recalled all the times that I knew she was angry, would ask if she was, she'd say no and then I'd need to figure out what I did wrong.  And when she was really angry, the muscle/tendon in her jaw would tighten and then I knew I'd done something wrong but couldn't figure out what.

And I realized (and I think I've noted this before) that I spent all of our relationship making sure I understand things from her perspective.  I exerted a huge amount of effort on this and was, I think, very understanding and supportive (at least in the ways that I was able to be supportive) but I don't really think she spent much time trying to understand my perspective or what I was going through.

Wednesday, May 9, 2018

Grading — report on a new approach

This semester I tried a new approach to grading.  The official name (or at least one of them) is 'specification grading.'  It's also very close (if not functionally equivalent) to an approach I heard someone speak about years ago.  The gist of it is (a) all assignments are pass/no pass with the criteria for a pass being really explicitly spelled out and (b) end of semester grades are determined by which assignments are passed.  Thus, students know at the beginning of the semester that if they want a C+ in the course they must pass a certain set of assignments, if they want a B+ they know what they must pass for that.

The talk that I heard years ago described this in terms of points and made the connection to video games.  The speaker explained it that the course had different "levels" like a video game and that students can try to pass a level infinite times but that the grade at the end of the semester is what level the student has made it to.  And, he gave students points for passing so it was a collection of points as opposed to mere 'passing' that was relevant.

I set my courses up with freewrites (students just need to spend 30 minutes writing after doing the reading), essays prior to class posted for everyone so they could be used as the focus for class discussion (10 of these were necessary to get an A but lower numbers of these for lower grades), then 3 different papers with each additional paper getting one to an A.  Thus, passing paper #1 gets one to a C, passing #2 to a B and #3 is necessary for an A.  There's also benefit for 'good faith attempts' on essays and 'good faith attempts' on paper #2.  For my lower level class instead of essays, they had to post questions and then also responses to class mates questions.

Anyway, I used this over J-term with success and I think it's been a success this semester but I need to define 'success.'

First, I designed it so that students are largely dragged along to try to pass the next thing since they can see that they "only" need to do x to get the next higher grade.  But, of course, many students don't do this.  So, one of the consequences of this is that some students decided early on that all they wanted/needed was a C and so they did only that work.  In terms of grading, this had been a serious win, students who have no interest in learning more just aren't submitting papers that they'd be doing just because they had to.  So, it's a success in terms of work for me, but it's possibly a lesser success if one thinks that making students go through the motions has any benefit to their learning.

The other benefit is in terms of the pass/no pass approach.  Students like it because it's really clear what they need to do and, my god, grading is so much easier.  I still comment on papers, but figuring out whether something has passed or not is so easy.

Now, the big concern is the number of students who appear to just not care about getting better grades.  So, there are the students who just flake and so nothing — I'm pretty sure they'd do nothing regardless of my system.  But then there are those who just decide to do what they need to pass the course and nothing more.  This was bothering me yesterday as I've, historically, said that students need to do *everything* in order to pass thinking that when they get into the work world, they'll have to do all of their assigned tasks they can't just pick and choose.  But, I think I figured out how to frame it for myself and the students.  Namely, this is them working on commission.  They get to choose what they receive and the effort they are willing to put in.  So, if I think of it as parallel to working on commission, that makes me feel less like this is a win simply for me and grading.

The students who are working hard are apparently enjoying it and it means that they are experiencing far more control in their lives.  If they are fairly certain that they aren't going to pass a paper, they don't need to go through the demoralizing task of confirming that they don't understand.  Or, they can be proactive and come and talk to me before hand instead of faking it (because they have to turn something in) and then responding based on feedback.

So, there you go.

Oh, on the mental health front, apparently waking up each morning wanting to die is not normal and when you tell your psychiatrist this, they add medication.  So, Abilify has been added to help get me out of this dark pit.

Monday, May 7, 2018

And now I'm just feeling overwhelming grief.  All I want to do is curl up and cry.  And I want someone who loves me to hold me while I do this and I have no one who loves me who could do this and that makes me want to weep even more.

But at least I'm not, currently, feeling despair.

Some summary and more (seriously nothing new here)

As noted in a recent post, I'm understanding that part of what causes me so much pain is that the person who supposedly knew me the best, cared about me the most, seems to have not known me at all and was unwilling to grant me the benefit of the doubt and talk through things with me.  The fact that she's walking around with these misperceptions of me in her head kills me.

Of course, that's not all of it.  There's still so much in me that thinks that if she just gave me a chance....and then there's the rage that she's replaced me and that she didn't give me a chance, that she was unwilling to understand things from my perspective.  And the disbelief (that's actually close to be exactly the right word) that she led me on for so long.  That she continued to tell me things were going to work even after we stopped living together.  And that at the same time she was telling me these things she told other people that she'd been really clear with me that things were over and that she never wanted to get back together. 

And that to this day I really have no idea why.  Despite me asking again and again to talk about things, she wouldn't.  She kept saying she just had to deal with her own stuff.   And then entirely cut me out of her life.  How does someone do that?

okay, I'll try to halt continuing down this path to note something that I'm trying now (on recommendation of a friend).  Instead of rehashing and rehashing and rehashing in the hope that at some point it'll make sense or at some point justice in the universe will materialize, trying to practice self-compassion.  Instead of repeating to myself that I'm totally to blame or that I deserve better or that she was unkind and unwilling to work with me, I'm trying to talk to myself as I would someone else.  Telling myself:

yes, it makes sense that you are hurting. For 15 years this person said she'd be there for you forever, for 17 years you did all you could think of to make her happy, and she left you without explanation and with a fair amount of unkindness, how could you not be hurt in this circumstance?  Yes, I get that you think you could have done something differently to make it all better, but, really, what could you have done? Make dinner more?  Really?  Don't you think that she'd have found something wrong with the dinner?  Even if you did do that, she'd still act as if this was what you were supposed to do and she'd still have opted to sit with D after dinner talking about church and leaving you out of the conversation.  And, she'd still have gotten angry when you left the conversation even though you knew nothing of what they were talking about and none of the people and that you kept having to ask for information instead of them offering it.  And, she'd not have joined you so that the two of you could spend time together.  She'd still not have told anyone about you and you'd still be trying to figure out what to do to help her.  You'd continue to make sure you were always available for her and always listened and tried to help.  You did all these things and they didn't make a difference.  Seriously, there's nothing more you, reasonably, could have done. 
Well, you get the picture.  This sort of self-talk helps.  Well, it helps while I'm doing it.  Much like typing (the literally act of me typing) these blogs helps.  But as soon as I stop things go back pretty quickly.  So, yeah, I'm starting to see how someone could end up talking to oneself.  Okay, gonna go take some xanax

Sunday, May 6, 2018

But, here's how I'm feeling.  Fundamentally, I feel discarded.  Discarded without explanation or without the fulfillment of a promise to work as hard as possible to make things work.

For me, part of dealing with being discarded is the deep, deep desire for P to say that she made a mistake in discarding me.  Being discarded by her has led to me feeling (being aware of feeling?) worthless and fundamentally flawed.  I felt, before being discarded, that there was possibility (for what I don't know) but now I feel broken.

I feel stupid for having had hope.  Particularly during those two years after I moved out when she was texting me every night wishing me sweet dreams and telling me that we were going to beat the odds and get back together.  My feeling of stupidity is largely due to other folks saying that of course things were over when I moved out.  And one person who was talking to her during these two years and later told me that she wasn't telling them the same thing she was telling me.

I feel stupid (and stupid doesn't quite capture it — maybe more idiotic, delusional?) for continuing to believe that we could have been a spectacular couple if we'd just gone to couple's counseling and if she'd just given me a chance to be heard and to hear her.

I feel so wronged because so not heard.  It frustrates me to no end that she believes certain things about me that I think are false.  Maybe part of what's going on for me is the hurt of being in a relationship that to me was the one thing I was committed to beyond anything else.  Something I thought was for life.  And realizing that I was never really seen.  I was never really known and that the person I was with didn't want to see me and was satisfied with her story about me instead of who I really am.

I'm pretty sure I didn't do the same to her.  Probably the worst way I didn't see her was in me making excuses for her anger and working to hard to always understand the source of her anger as being the Church, the people she worked with, our other housemate, her family.

Clearly, I continue to struggle with this because I continue to write about it.  But writing about it helps me because it prevents me from spinning and spinning in my head.  Writing and the xanax (though I've needed less xanax in the last couple days).

And by 'spinning' I mean I follow thoughts to the next junction and then the next and they all seem to lead to the conclusion that I did something(s) wrong and if I'd just done those things right (which I totally could have done but didn't) then she'd still love me.  And, honestly, this is where I am right now when I'm not actively typing here.  In 90 minutes I can take another xanax and I'm holding on to that.

A Conclusion (or just more thoughts)

Given the emphasis on the abuser being void of empathy, delighting in causing pain for a case to be psychological or emotional abuse I'm concluding that what I experienced was not psychological or emotional abuse.  BUT, I'm also think that this definition is really problematic insofar as it seems to depends on knowing the mind of another person.  I suppose in this way it's similar to the term 'terrorism' insofar as the term includes a reference to the intention of the perpetrators.  Nonetheless, people can say that they were terrorized without reference to the intention of what caused the terror. 

With the question of me moving to heal from this relationship, it feels like me accepting that what happened in this relationship was (a) not my fault and (b) not something I could have fixed depends on me blaming P for what happened.  And, well, as I write this I realize that I can hold her responsible even if I don't know her mind and don't diagnose her as having a clinical personality disorder.  I can say that she treated me in ways that I didn't deserve and ways that I wouldn't have treated another, particularly if I was told how it made the other feel.

I do think that there are aspects of the relationship that were if not abusive, harmful, devaluing and minimizing to me.  And I'm comfortable saying the P is more self-involved than most people and, in fact, less empathetic that many people — though this is tough for me to conclude because she always said that she was very empathetic and I think I experienced moments of her feeling this.  And, when I look at the defining characteristics of narcissism, I can, with honesty, say that P has elements of narcissism.

I'm still fairly unwilling to say that I was in an abusive relationship, that seems an overstatement and potentially to be downplaying the experience of others.  I'm getting close to being able to believe that I was treated in ways I didn't deserve and that I deserved better.  Really believing it.  Parts of me believe this at particular times.  The task is getting to the point where I believe this with my whole being.  And, I don't really know how to get to that place.  Hopefully time.

Saturday, May 5, 2018

Idealize, Devalue, Discard

I'm continue to read and think about abusive relationships.  I've not made much progress in my thinking about my resistance to identifying this as an abusive relationship (though I think that a large part is my strong resistance, independent of any cognitive dissonance issues, to alleging that parts of my life are really bad when I'm profoundly aware of how lucky I am....I think there are clear cases of abusive relationships and would never want to 'co-opt' or appropriate that unjustifiably).

Anyway, one of the patterns identified in the books that I'm reading is that of "idealize, devalue, discard" with the stages being pretty self-explanatory.  The idea is that the beginning of the relationship is filled with claims of being the best person ever, the only one who has ever understood me, my soul mate, etc.  I remember when P wanted to move in together I was resistant and wanted to wait until we'd had our first crisis or first fight to see how we weathered it.  She thought I was being ridiculous.  But as I look back, I think I was correct on this.  We didn't have our first crisis or fight.  In fact, we rarely fought or even disagreed.  She spent much of our early time together talking about how perfect we were and that all others would look to us as the model of what relationships should be.  I was not as convinced of this but she had seen so many couples in her job that I was inclined to agree.  And, really, she, inexplicably, thought that I was the best thing in the world and, well, that a seductive place to be so I believed her.

The next step, as I think back, really began early on when we moved in together and the criticisms began.   At least this is my memory.  It's not like there was a switch that was flipped and she no longer claimed we were perfect and I was her soul mate but there were more criticisms.  I wrote (and sort of continue to write) this off as just a consequence of us living together.  So, I struggle to say that this is evidence of fitting into the pattern viewed as abusive.  I do know that I began to feel more and more like there were right and wrong things I could do and that I needed to be more attentive to how I behaved and that she thought I should be changing.  It was during this time (after probably our first year) that she started saying that I was immature and irresponsible.  I honestly don't know how to assess these claims.  As noted in earlier posts, the challenge is that she did (does?) know me better than anyone else and my inclination is to take people's assessments of me seriously even if (or especially if) the assessment is critical.  However, later in our relationship she started to say that I wanted her to not succeed, or that her happiness was not important to me.  And that was certainly never true (I was the one filling out application forms for jobs that she was interested in but didn't have the time to fill out) and I was constantly trying to come up with activities that she'd enjoy but she was too tired or too busy.There was nothing I could do to change her mind.  And she'd say over and over that I was unwilling to change at all to meet her needs and be supportive.  Though I could never get a good understanding of what I could have done to have been more supportive seeing as it felt like I was doing just about everything she asked of me (minus the cooking dinner part).

Then the end of the pattern is discard and, as described in the book, the discarding is particularly brutal and demoralizing.  I'm intrigued by the use of the word 'discard' because that is how I have described, from the very beginning, how I've felt.  The word that I've used to describe myself in light of what happened has been "disposable" — that I've felt like a used kleenex just tossed away.  Is this a normal feeling?  Or at least possibly a feeling not necessarily indicative of abuse?

One of the aspects of this that really rings true for me is the idealization phase and the holding out of this (with brief moments of experiencing it) as something if I did the right things we could return to.  Others have said to me that their experience with P was that when she turns her attention on you, you really do feel like the most important person in the world.  But, that she is very able to withdraw that attention.  Much (all?) of my support network is baffled by the extent to which I hold onto this view of P being wonderful.  Me continuing to say, even after I've listed all the ways in which I felt dismissed, how she has the potential to be so staggeringly fabulous if she could just let herself be that person.  And I always thought that if I could help her to do this by making her life easier in any way I could, given the obvious limitations, that I would once again get to experience this wonderful person who made a very big deal of adoring me.  Well, that clearly didn't work out.

All this is to say that there is a way to 'read' the history of our relationship as fitting this pattern.  But, mightn't any relationship?  That there's an idealization 'falling in love' stage, a 'reality' stage where the participants realize that the idealization isn't accurate and then a stage where one person withdraws?

So, all I can say is that I can see how someone could say that my relationship fits this pattern but I'm not convinced that fitting this pattern is evidence of abuse.  But, regardless of the label, this has helped me to at least to see a pattern and to see that even if, on a continuum, what I experienced doesn't cross a particular line, that there are other folks who have experienced things similar to me and that they've survived and even flourished.

ETA:  One thing that really concerns me about all of this thinking is that it feels like P could (and has) made the exact same assessments of me.  And since I believe her assessments of me are unwarranted and shouldn't be believed, how can I believe that my assessments are warranted?

Friday, May 4, 2018

Pits


I told my therapist the earlier this week that I felt like I was falling down a bottomless pit of darkness.  And I told her yesterday that now I feel improved insofar as I feel just like I'm at the bottom at the pit — so I'm not falling anymore and it's not bottomless.

I realized last night that, in fact, what it's felt like is that I was pushed into the bottomless pit and was falling.  And that I was pushed by the person I trusted most in the world.  And I think that much of my struggle has been to figure out if it was really that I tripped, that she didn't mean to push me, or that I deserved to be pushed.

This metaphor is the best I've happened upon to explain what things felt like starting 3 years ago and that I zip back to sometimes.

But now I feel like I've made it to the bottom of the pit and people are telling me there's a ladder out of the pit and are willing to help me find it.  I don't, in my heart of hearts, believe that I'll ever be out of the pit but I trust the folks who are telling me this and I hope they are correct. 

And to stretch this metaphor, I need to give up the hope that she's still there at the edge of the pit because I keep thinking, at least part of me, that she'll be there to help me out.  And I think that the recent setback has been due to me realizing (or starting to realize) that she doesn't give a shit that I've been falling nor is she ever going to be there for me.  And, possibly, she never was.

Thursday, May 3, 2018

Thoughts on abuse

Some of my friends have had no problem saying that I was in an abusive relationship for 17 years.  Others are more circumspect on using the word 'abuse' or 'abusive.'  I have been reticent to say that it was an abusive relationship and am unsure about why it matters how I label the relationship.  Nonetheless, I have recently gotten some books about how to recover from an abusive relationship in the hopes that, maybe, there will be some wisdom in there.  Just beginning two of these has helped me to think through some stuff.  Though of course no conclusions have been reached.

The one book that I'm reading is insistent that abusers know what they are doing and do it intentionally (this book is specifically about psychological abuse).  The author is also insistent that psychological abusers have psychological personality disorders (are narcissists, sociopaths or psychopaths).  Some of what is described in the book is stuff that I experienced or, rather, think I experienced.  Part of the problem I deal with is I was routinely told, in the relationship, that I was misremembering things and that things I have no recollection of happening, actually happened.  Now, if I really was misremembering or forgetting things, that's my bad.  But, if I wasn't, this was 'gaslighting' — a way of making some doubt their own memories.

See?  Here's part of the problem.  I have become convinced that my memory isn't all that good.  And this has come almost entirely from P.  But, seeing as I spent a great deal of time with her and not nearly as much with anyone else, if anyone was going to notice, it's her.  Is my memory not very good or is this evidence of me being treated badly?  And if my memory actually is better than P thought, does that mean that P meant to mess with me or that she had a poor memory?

Sorry, I'm getting distracted.  So many thoughts.

Back to this book.  I really resist the claim that P either acted intentionally to harm me or that she has a personality disorder at the level of this author claims.  BUT, at the same time, if I could be convinced of this, it'd make my life easier.  Because if I could be convinced of this then I'd be able to stop blaming myself.  If I was shut out of her life, ignored, put, at best, 4th priority in her life, implicitly disavowed in most of her life, blamed for much of her unhappiness, because of something I couldn't have done anything about, I'd feel much better about things.  Among other things, I'd feel not only less at blame but I'd be able to let go of this lingering possibility of "only if....".  But, I have such a difficult time really believing this.

BUT, at the same time, I realize that much of what she did to me, I really can't imagine doing to someone else.  I wouldn't ever say, in response to someone voicing a desire to spend some time with me and that that they felt very low on their list of priorities, "but I always come home to you" and think that this is the end of the conversation and that any expectation of more than that was unreasonable.  I would want to let others know about our life together and even if I felt that I had to keep our relationship hidden, I'd at minimum bemoan this and work to find ways to make it possible to be unhidden.  I wouldn't act as if it was totally unreasonable to want others to know about our relationship.  So, the fact that she did this to me.  What does that mean?  Does it mean she didn't realize this was causing me pain?  Or that she didn't care?

I also happened upon an article online that said that if one feels abused then one was.  That it's entirely in the eye of the beholder.  I have serious problems with this.  Mostly because P said that I was abusive (though never, to my recollection, said what I did that was abusive — beyond telling her to lower her voice sometimes when we were in a place where I feared others could hear her saying things that were confidential or when I was in a quieter mood than she).  I'm really most resistant to the idea that I was abusive.  I did all that I could to respond to the things she didn't like about me (though I'll admit that I wasn't good at (a) housecleaning or (b) remembering to give her the monthly check for the house "we" owned (it was in her name and she kept the house when we split with nothing given to me)....though with regard to (a) when we moved in with the 3rd person we ended up living with, I did a fair share of the cleaning so even on this front I tried to respond and be better and I did much of the lawncare that she criticized me of before).  ANYWAY, the point here is that I don't think that merely thinking one was abused is sufficient to say that one was abused insofar as I don't believe I abused her even though she, apparently, thinks I did.  I do think that the Church abused her.

The most convincing thing I heard that I was not abusive was told to me not by my therapist (who was out of town but I was in crisis) but by the person who was our couples counselor for the few times we went.  She noted that the fact that P was still wanting to spend time with me after I moved out (for two years) and was constantly texting me sweet little thoughts every day was evidence that P didn't really believe I abusive insofar as people who really believe they were being abused do not want to spend time with their abuser.  Also, this counselor saw us together (granted only 4 times and one of those was focused on whether P should take the job she was offered) and said there was nothing she saw that suggested I was abusive and in fact that I was far from abusive.


This leads to another kink in all of this.  Because our relationship was so hidden, very few saw much of what it was.  So, how to know?  My therapist is someone who I'd been seeing off and on for nearly all of the time we were together so she says she is a reliable record insofar as I reported things and I'm not one who tends to misrepresent things in radical ways.

See?  Lots of thoughts.  And now this is really just a journal of me trying to make sense of my thoughts and how to move forward.  And given that my penchant for reasoning things through and needing things to make sense is getting in the way of things, well, here we are with me writing all this out.

I'll read more and share more.


Tuesday, April 24, 2018

more personal stuff that I just need to get out and for some reason this feels better than just saving it in a word document

 Still not doing well.  But let me assure you, should anyone be reading this, that while I definitely want to die at this moment.  I am not going to kill myself.  I have too many people in my life who I know care deeply about me to do that to them.  I also don't want P to get a moment to present herself as a fabulous person and I'm virtually certain that's exactly what she'd do.  And, my dogs.  I wouldn't want my dogs to feel abandoned.

And, really, again, I'm just getting things out

I keep thinking about the fact that she's now in a relationship with T.  T was (and may still be) in charge of youth activities at P's former church.  I had desperately wanted to be part of P's life at church.  She would complain about what things were like at church and I would always ask how I could help.  Of course, I couldn't because, though at that time the denomination was fine with her being out, she was not interested in coming out.  I wanted to help with youth programming, I wanted to help with vacation bible school.  And, of course, I wanted to be doing things with her outside of her work.

I didn't get to do any of that.  I was told that clearly she loved me because I was the one she came home to and that my desire to be involved in other parts of her life were just instances of me being unreasonable and abusive.  Of course, T got to do all of these things along with other folks in P's circle of friends in the congregation.  And for a very long time no one in the congregation knew anything about me.   As I noted before it was only when I said that I felt not the the 'other woman' but the other woman, like 3 times removed, that she finally told T about me.

And three time removed is (a) she refused to be out in public with me except in extraordinarily rare occasions and I always had to disappear if she saw someone she knew; (b) she would spend more time both at home and even going on vacations (summer 'workshops' in Colorado/Chicago, etc) with our roommate (the roommate would pay for it which is why I was never along — I was never invited) and then (c) with T and all the other people at the church she was spending time with.

As I type all this out, I can see that I was not treated well.  But I slip so easily from seeing this to (and I'm moved now to the worthless feeling) feeling like this was somehow my fault.  That there were things I should have done that would have made things better.  That if I could have just found that 'thing', she'd have been willing to at least talk about things with me to see if we could work things out.  That if I'd just somehow been better.

Many people have told me that this was an emotional abusive relationship (or if not abusive, I was definitely treated horribly — I'm not sure what's gained or lost by using the particular label of 'abusive') (a few people have told me it was not and that there was enough blame on both sides — though, honestly, aside from a few things that I did early in the relationship I honestly don't know what I did wrong) and sometimes I'm willing to believe this.  But it seems like such a cop out.  Like I'm unwilling to accept responsibility for something that I could have done something about.

Part of the problem, of course, is that because our relationship took place almost entirely behind closed doors no one really knows what happened.  Some people saw glimpses.  But how can I trust my own assessments when her's are apparently so different?

then again, she continued to say, even after I moved out, how wonderful I was, how she'd be lucky to spend the rest of her life with me, that I made her happier than she could imagine, etc.

I don't think it's that I want to die.  I just want to be numb.  I want the feeling of being disposable to go away.

And I want her to be miserable and at some point in her life realize what she missed out on by treating me the way she did.  Oh, and I'd be delighted if her true colors were to be shown and follow her for the rest of her life (maybe at some point, I won't wish this as it really is a fairly unkind wish.  But right now, this is where I am).

PS.  The people who happened upon Xanax are a godsend

ETA: it has been pointed out to me that I'm not 100% certain that T is the same T I'm assuming.  It is a fairly uncommon name and, really, I'd be willing to bet loads of $$ it's the same person.  But, it might not be.

Monday, April 23, 2018

A list


I wrote this May 5th but changed the 'posting' date so it wasn't top of my posts so that the random person who happens upon this blog (which I'm pretty sure is most of my just barely existent traffic) wouldn't see this.

I'm writing this list out for myself to remind me of the reality of living with P.  I have a tendency to remember the moments when she doted on me and made me feel like the center of her world.  These were, really, not very frequent moments but they are the moments I tend to focus on.

One realization I've had from listing these things out (and these are just the things I'm remembering right now) is that for all of our relationship I never, really, pushed back on the way I was treated.  She always was talking about how unhappy she was with work or, if not unhappy, exhausted from work, and I was always assuming that any treatment of me that was less than what I wanted was a consequence of her general state of mind regarding work.  I assumed that when she got angry with me it was because I was the only person she could safely get angry at because she knew I would still love her.  There were many reasons for her to be angry at the Church, her individual work places, etc.  I excused, happily, her treatment of me because I believed I was the vent that she needed as the only person in the world who would never leave her and I loved her.  This was part of my job as her partner.  This was why I was so surprised at the moment when she said she needed me out of her life to be happy (and then she talked about how miserable she was the year after I moved out and I really thought she'd see that this was because I was no longer in her life)


  • Said that she took a job which she later hated knowing that she would hate it and took it just for me.  My recollection is that she hated the job she had been in at the time and was really excited about the new job because it was promised that she'd be on the ground floor of a wellness and spirituality program and that she'd be able to run a campus coffee shop
  • said, consistently, that the fact that she returned to me every night should be sufficient for me in terms of any dissatisfaction I had with the relationship and the way I was locked out of most of it
  • used the fact that the neighbor (who spent his time drinking on the front porch) said that I didn't seem to help much in the yard as evidence that I was a bad partner.  Oh, and the fact that I didn't help in the yard when I had noted that I didn't like the fact that I was being watched by the neighbor on the porch and that she was fearful that any of her congregants would find out that she and I were living together
  • when I won awards or was otherwise recognized she never expressed any interest in attending the events where I'd be honored.  Never.
  • if anyone knocked on the door, I not only couldn't answer it but had to go hide in case the person at the door was someone from her congregation.  My recollection is that she never voiced regret about this.  
  • we had to have separate phone lines (back when landlines were a thing) in case someone from her congregation called and when someone did, I had to be silent so that no one knew I lived there.  To my recollection she never really voiced regret over this either.
  • later said that she spent all her time cooking roasts for me early in our relationship when I have zero recollection of this.   She used this as evidence that I just don't remember things that I need to.  And she wasn't sure if this was better or worse in terms of me being a bad partner.
  • said that she'd warned me of the bad feeling she had about moving in with D (person we moved in with) and I have zero recollection of this warning

  • apparently told other people that she'd voiced her interest in getting out of the relationship many times — not true (I'd have told my sister or therapist if she had and they say I never did)...I think she must have just blatantly lied to them about what she was sharing with me
  • When I later noted that a side effect of one of the psychiatric medicines I took was memory loss she said this made her feel better about all the things that I denied happening.  I have no idea, if I have memory loss or if she is misremembering or if there is some other more sinister explanation.
  • frequently, early in our relationship, said that I loved the dogs more than I loved her not sure what I did that led to this conclusion
  • said, many, many years later, that she would go to parking lots and just cry about our relationship and my unwillingness to do anything but never told me that this was happening when it happened.
  • when we moved in with D, we had to wait for D to have dinner (though we'd agreed upon moving in that we'd have dinner with D once a week)
  • after dinner she'd always sit and talk with D and very rarely spend time with me and would chastise me for not staying and talking more with D
  • And the weird thing about this is that when we were alone she'd talk about how much she didn't like D and how stifling she found D's presence.  In the end, she chose to remain living with D instead of me
  • The topic of conversation with D was always church.  D was going to P's church and I was not allowed to.  Or rather I could go but P would not acknowledge me which would have made it too painful to do.  So I left conversations because they were constantly talking about people I did not know.
  • Said that I thought she was not intelligent and there was nothing I could do or say that would convince her that I didn't believe this (I didn't and I don't).  I always thought this was a vestige of her family and relationship to her brother.
  • wasn't allowed, really to be in public with her.  If we ever were in public and bumped into someone she knew I had to peel off and disappear
  • she constantly told me that I wasn't supportive enough and to this day I don't know how I could have been more supportive given that I was not able to be known at her work.  I did listen to her pleas that I do more around the house and so did much of the cleaning.  Though perhaps not enough.  I didn't cook much because she said that she liked to cook and she was frequently on food regimens that I did not feel comfortable cooking.  That is, she wouldn't eat the food that I was most able to cook.  I took on lawn mowing and weeding.
  • routinely told me I was too immature and irresponsible to have children.  
  • She would "surprise" me by painting rooms, redoing my office, etc, saying it was a gift to me. and then say I was ungrateful when I was less than enthusiastic about the results (since they were colors, changes I would not have chosen)
  • Every couple of years or so she'd imply that I was embezzling money from what was supposed to be our joint account (I wasn't) and I could only assuage her by giving her all of my banking records. 
  • she rarely asked how I was doing (I realize that the times I'd test her by seeing how long it took were probably wrong)
  • one time when I was suggesting we go camping, I used, playfully, the term "convince me" trying to be cute and coy — this became a case that she pointed to again and again that I was abusive.  She said that my insistence that she convince me to do something that she wanted was abusive.  And she refused to consider that I had meant it playfully (even if I'd not executed it well)
  • refused to go to couples counseling beyond 4 times (with one being devoted to her talking about whether she should take a job that'd been offered to her).  Found out that she's told others we "did" couples counseling.  Said she had to 'work on herself first' and then could do couples counseling
  • Also pointed to as evidence that I was as bad partner was one time, early in our relationship, when I didn't wash the dishes when she was in the hospital.  I had gone from taking care of the dogs and doing work stuff, got up early in the morning to be with her (I later found out that D had spent the night there and this was before we had moved in with D).  When she came home and discovered the dishes, she insisted on washing them instead of going to bed to recover from surgery and letting me wash them.  This case came up for easily 10 years or more as evidence of something horrible about me
  • Whenever I wanted to go on vacation, just the two of us, she'd always say we needed to visit family instead because of the importance of family and small amount of time she had off of work.  She'd always take time off when her parents came to visit (which is fine) but never for me.
  • When I was looking for houses initially, she said that the plan was that I'd move and then in a year or so, she'd figure out how to extricate herself from D and then she'd move in with me
  • Also, said that she'd come over every morning so we could continue to have coffee every morning.  Never happened.
  • She said that I'd get to spend time with our dog K when I moved out.  I saw him, perhaps, twice after I moved out.  Even when she was out of town, D took care of K and I wasn't asked
  • Since I was the one who took care of the dogs I assumed that I'd take K when I moved out.  She said that she was keeping him.  end of discussion.
  • She and D would go places together (out of state workshops, etc having to do with things they were both vaguely interested in)  (because D would pay for it) and I was never included.  
  • Denies telling me to move out when I vividly remember her saying something along the lines of "aren't you going to move out because if you don't, I am" (we were in the basemenet) — this was when I'd stopped looking for a house because she'd gotten a new job where she could be out and thought that with this new job we'd be looking for a house together.
  • Kept telling me that she would  want to date only me if she were to date anyone
  • Even when I said I couldn't see her any more because the ups and downs were too much, she said that she hoped I'd still be available when she wanted to date again.  Three months later I got an email saying she was dating a 'wonderful' woman whom she'd known for 2 years (at least) and whom I'd never heard of.
  • She said I was unwilling to let her have friends despite the fact that she seemed, to me, to spend a good deal of time with people I didn't know and who were her friends.
  • Seemed unwilling to see my side of things when her parents would come and stay for 10 days and I would get irritable.  Said that I was being petulant and unwelcoming
  • Never told me she was deeply unhappy with our relationship until she was talking about how miserable she was and that she had no idea what her future had in store and I said that well, at least she knew that I'd be there.  She said, no, she didn't know that.  This was the first I heard that she was unhappy and thinking of ending the relationship
  • spend lots and lots of time with new found friends who were congregants and couldn't understand why I was hurt that (a) she'd spend time with them but not me; (b) that they didn't know that I existed and (c) that I never was invited to join them.  In fact said that my being hurt was evidence of me not wanting the best for her
  • Said that our staying together was dependent on her determining whether the problem was something core to my personality or something that I could and would change.  I still have no idea what this core allegedly was except that I was a horrible partner
  • found out, after our relationship was over, that she'd been dating someone when we first started dating.  They'd been dating seriously enough that the person was devastated and, apparently, loathed me from afar.










Saturday, April 21, 2018

way more personal than usual (does heartbreak ever end)

Five years ago, my partner (we'll call her P) of 15 years essentially kicked me out.  She'd been miserable for years in her job (a pastor in a denomination that would not let her be out - until the rules changed a couple years before she kicked me out).  I'd helped her (by literally filling out the application) to get a job at a church in different denomination where she'd be able to be out.  We'd spent the 15 years of our relationship unable to be out.  If we were ever in a grocery store together, I'd have to peel off so that no one would see us together.  If someone rang the doorbell, I had to hide in case it was one of her congregants. The last 6 or so years of our time together we moved into with a third person thinking this would look less 'suspicious'....it just meant that she spent more time with this third person instead of me to be 'polite.'  This third person started going to my P's church but I was not allowed to go there.  Or rather I was allowed to go but P would not acknowledge me as someone she knew let alone someone she was partner's with.   All of her misery was always framed as the product of the church and her stresses at work.  And that she needed to work on herself.  I was, I always told, the one thing in her life that was wonderful and gave her peace.

Then one day, out of the blue, as far as I was concerned, she said that she wasn't sure she wanted to be in a relationship with me.  Made it clear that she wanted me to move out.  I tried to get her to go to couples counseling but she was uninterested.....went a few times but that was it.  All the while she was friends with folks at her church, friends I couldn't meet and friends who didn't know I existed.   There was one woman we'll call her (T) who she spent loads of time with and after much argument, while I couldn't be introduced to her, T was told of my existence.

It was again made clear that I needed to move out as in "when are you moving out" but at the same time was told that when I moved out the plan was for her to join me after she got things together.  She did come and spend time with me when I moved — usually an hour on the back porch drinking wine or inside a cup of coffee.  But never in public and still no one knew of my existence.  Her response, when we were together, was that even thought she spent time with other people none of whom knew about me, she always came home to sleep with me.  After I moved, she visited, told me how much she loved spending time with me, that if she were to date it would be me, that I made her happy, etc.  She'd made innuendoed laden comments about staying at my house and not in my guest room.  I asked what was going on with us and could we talk about it and she always refused.  She asked me out for what she called a date around Valentine's day and it was a good time.  This was two years into me living alone and her coming by once a week.  We had this very nice date, then I didn't hear from her for two weeks.  I finally said that I couldn't do this thing where she kept holding out this future of us getting back together and being out and her ignoring me.  I said I deserved more than to be hidden.  I said I couldn't deal with this and so couldn't see her.

In that last conversation with me, she said that she hoped I'd still be available when she was ready to be in a relationship.  Yes, the stringing along continued.

Skip forward 3 months and I got an email from her telling me she was dating a 'wonderful' woman and that she valued our time together but I'm her past.   To say that I was devastated was an understatement.  For 17 years she had said that I was the best thing in her life, that if she were to be with anyone it would be me and that she just needed to get her life together but that we would end up together.  She said that she hoped I'd still be available once she dealt with her stuff.  Aside from a flurry of emails filled with rage on my part and her being confident that she'd been nothing except exemplary, we've not communicated.  I've reached out.  She's either said she's not ready or ignored me.

To say that I had a breakdown would be an understatement.  I fully oppose the existence of guns in houses because if there had been a gun in my house I would have used it on myself.  Between a relationship in which I was not allowed to be out, was hidden and largely unable to admit to being  in a relationship, was constantly denied as even existing (making me way more pissed at Peter than Judas), being told that I was doing most everything wrong, accused of trying to steal from her, trying to prevent her from having friends, being chastised when I told someone that I was in a relationship, basically having my life revolve around here while she told me that my success was due largely to her, etc.  My self-esteem/worth was at rock bottom

When we were together, she made me promised time after time that we would never break up and that even if she wanted to that I should not let her, that I was the best thing in her life and that she knew this. That she believed commitment was forever and that we were meant to be together.  And she's a fucking pastor!

So, it's been three years and she's entirely cut me out of her life.  I've tried reaching out but she's made it clear that she's happier pretending I don't exist.

And, now, I've found out that she in a relationship with T.  T who was a congregant.  T who was married with kids.  T who she wouldn't introduce me to and who when I said I'd love to be included in her activities with T and others, I was accused of forbidding her from having friends.  T who, even when P  & I were together P spent more time text her than talking with me and would get irate when I noted this was rude.

I was just beginning to feel like life without P was possible.  My desire for reconciliation was slowly dissipating.  Then I found out about T.    My level of rage is significant.  and at the same time I can't help trying to figure out, again, why I was good enough.  Why she wasn't willing to even try to work things out with me.  Why she rejected couple's counseling and just said she needed to take care of herself and, every once in a while, that I had to change (without explanation of what that means). (I've found out that she's told others that we did do couple's counseling which is a flat out lie.  We had 4 sessions one of which involved her talking about whether she should take the job that I'd applied to for her and she got and would allow her to be out).  (after she took the job she made clear that the fact that she could be out didn't mean that she was inclined to be out).

So, here I am again, unable to stop crying.  feeling worthless.  Hoping that at someone point people get what they deserve for treating people badly.

I know no one read these posts so I feel find publishing this.  I just needed to get this out.

Why do I continue to mourn this relationship?  To despair her not following through on all the things she said?  that she's ended up being so not the person I think she's capable of being.  Part of it is that people in the community who just see her performance think she's a good person and are completely unaware of, at minimum, all the lies she's told them for 20 years.  For 15 years she was in a relationship with me and never admitted it.  Hid me.  Denied my existence.  Made me hide when people came to the door.     I continue to think that she could be better.  That together we could be awesome.  If she'd just let herself be the person she could be.  But why wasn't I good enough?  What should I have done differently?  How could she go from loving me to just not loving me? Why was she entirely opposed to couples' counseling (clearly she had already decided she was done even though in those 3 sessions we did have she said she was committed to at least seeing if it could work)

Oh, and I did find out, after things ended and I was mid breakdown that she had been dating someone else when we first got together.  Someone else whose heart she broke.  I'm virtually confident that if I'd known about this, I'd not have pursued things.

I'm very clearly happier now that I was when I was in it.  Why do I continue to think that she could be this fabulous person who with me could be part of a fabulous couple?  Why do I just feel like I want to die at this point.

Thank goodness of my sister, my therapist and my very good friends, psychiatric meds and the fact that I don't have a gun in the house.

Sunday, November 20, 2016

Why yes, it has been years

But there's been an election and with that panic attacks and general terror.

So, how to move forward.  First, I need to work to listen and pay attention to the people who understand how things really work.

Presidents don't have all the much power.  Advisors to presidents don't have that much power.  Rhetoric is just that, rhetoric, and while someone can be a despicable person it doesn't mean much of anything regarding what they'll do in office.  Someone with no experience may, in fact, see some opportunities to do things that haven't been taken advantage of because of an unwillingness to burn bridges.  And, despite lacking experience, his party wants his time in office to be a time of success and flourishing because they want to continue to be able to have their agenda be at the forefront.  And since he's a loose cannon (or at least presented himself that way), who knows what sort of negotiating power that gives him.

Nazis aren't going to take over even if the President is listening to them because Congress, Supreme Court, the 95%+ of the population who oppose that sort of behavior.

But, the fact of the matter is that I can't really control him (my efforts at mind control on people closer to me have been unsuccessful so I doubt more effort is going to work with him).  So, I have been emailing and calling my representatives.  I'm doubtful that this will have much impact beyond adding to the number of people calling and emailing (and I think quantity probably does have an impact).  And, when my representatives are in town I will show up and ask them questions face to face.

More pressingly is what I'm going to do day to day.  I really do believe that what has happened is a consequence of decades of not listening to people and instead everyone being confident in the truth of their own beliefs.  This isn't to say that those beliefs are mistaken but that if all we do is focus on how correct we are we may miss some important things about other people's experiences.

I think that many people are dissatisfied with their lives.  And that being dissatisfied they want, at minimum, for their dissatisfaction to be acknowledged and for it to be acknowledged that their lives being the way they are, economically, socially, probably isn't their fault.  We've  I'd done a horrible job of listening to this.

Given the dissatisfaction and then adding to this feeling ignored or, even worse, passed over because of a focus on issues of racism, gay rights, trans rights, etc (all of which are important and ought to be addressed) people are going to, understandably I think, be resentful of those who have gotten the attention and those who have been doing the ignoring.

I've long said that I think that everyone wants, fundamentally, to be heard, understood and cared about based on who they really are.  I don't think I've done a good job at playing my part in this.

It seems like everyone has been so intent on proving that they are right that we've stopped even listening to what other folks are saying assuming that we already know what they are doing to say.

so, what am I going to do to make things better?  I need to rethink my courses, a constant, so that they are doing what I want them to be doing.  Of course this means I need to get clear on what I want them to be doing.  I also need to be really intentional about what I'm communicating to others in terms of my willingness to listen to all.  And, of course, I need to not just say that I want to listen to all, I need to reach out and really ask and listen.

I recently purchased a Black Lives Matter sweatshirt because I do believe that Black Lives Matter.  But, I also believe that gay lives matter, trans lives matter, poor lives matter, conservative lives matter, brown lives matter, red lives matter, etc.  I don't like "All Lives Matter" because that seem antagonistic to Black Lives Matter.  But, that aside, now I worry about wearing the sweatshirt.  I know that it will mean that I'm viewed as an ally to many (and I am their ally) but it will also be interpreted by many as meaning that I don't want to listen to them, that their story doesn't matter to me and that I think Black lives mean more than their lives.  Now, of course, in a nice intellectual conversation I could note that this isn't what it means, but how can I get to that conversation if someone sees the sweatshirt and draws all sorts of conclusions?  Why aren't I wearing a sweatshirt that says "Poor Lives Matter"?  or one of the other variations?  So, I'm probably not going to wear the sweatshirt, or if I do, it'll be because I take it somewhere to have a list of x lives matter put on the back of it.  I suppose one take away here is that sweatshirts may be poor conversation starters but they certainly communicate ideologies even if what is communicated isn't what is intended.

I think lots of folks deserve allies.  When I think of the values of the US that I think are important it isn't merely individual rights and freedom, equally important to me is hospitality — welcoming the stranger and doing our best to make them feel at home.  I need to work on being more hospitable to people who might assume that I am not interested in their lives being good lives.  Yes, I'm rambling, but since no one is going to read this, I'm not terribly concerned.

I am going to return here regularly to work out my thoughts about what I need to be doing and what I'm going to do in terms of my everyday behavior and my courses.






Saturday, June 22, 2013

White & Class privilege

I saw this video a week or so ago and it's really stuck with me.

In the intervening weeks, the house remodeling happening in my house has hit full throttle (which means moving from agonizing over decisions to actual people coming in and doing things like altering plumbing, installing wiring, sheet-rocking, white walling, etc.) and I've gotten back to walking my dog.  One of the things that I like about myself is that I'm friendly.  And one of the things I like about where I live is that this friendliness isn't viewed suspiciously.  I make it a point to chat a bit with the plumber, the painters, etc.  I enjoy saying good morning to people on daily walks with the dog, stopping to chat with people along our 2.5 mile route.  I enjoy not being in a hurry and having the time to stop and connect with people.

I should note that I do all of this while wearing shorts that are not in anyway stylish and t-shirts.  Not 'women's t-shirts' but regular old t-shirt t-shirts with crew necks.

So, back to the video.  I've been very aware in the last week or so that the reception I expect from people (and the reception I usually get) is that people will be friendly back, they'll welcome the connection and respond by chatting with me.  I began wondering how would these exact overtures be taken (how would I expect them to be taken) if were not white & middle-aged?

I suspect that if I had a heavy accent and/or dark skin and/or some sort of overt religious garb (excepting, possibly, a nun) that I'd be treated really differently (suspicion, most likely or with perfunctory politeness).  Or, at the very least, I'd expect to be treated differently.

Yes, I am very slow.  But, in my defense, this is all stuff that I've known intellectually.  If someone were to have pointed all this out, I'd have agreed and though it obvious.  But, in this last week, I've felt it.  I've realized that these everyday interactions (which I really enjoy) go smoothly and in a way that I find enjoyable largely because I am white (I imagine that a person of color would have an easier time if they were of a certain economic/social class than if they weren't, but I'm pretty sure that I'm always going to have the clearest path of social ease — so clear and so omnipresent in my life that I never notice it.  This is not something I'd fully appreciated before.or, rather, that I'd fully felt before.