Authenticity & vulnerability

 Happily (in terms of getting some space in my day) it appears my next appointment is a no show which means I can get some thoughts down here. 

I was thinking last night as I was feeling so good about classes, that what I'm really enjoying is feeling like I'm being truly authentic and genuine in class.  Not that I've been inauthentic previously but that I've had this professor persona that I've wrapped myself in that is, I think, different from who I am outside of that.  This is noticeable in the difference in student perception of who I am btwn the students who just sit in class with me and the students with whom I have a closer relationship (because of a smaller class or they are in a leadership position that leads to us having more individualized conversations)

When I say that I feel like I'm being more authentic, the way this is showing up is that I'm being more vulnerable with my students.  I think this is my way of being authentic.  I am the person who, with my friends, will randomly, when I'm in a mood, send an email telling them how grateful I am for them in my life.  I am the sort of person, I've discovered, who feels compelled to share how I'm feeling (hopefully not in an icky boundary-free way).  This is showing up in my classes this semester by the fact that I've posted a letter on each of my classes' sites where I explain how it is that I've decided to grade the way that I am (ungrading -- so no grades throughout the semester, only feedback, and they get to decide what grade they deserve and I'll more than likely give them that grade).  In this letter, I didn't try to appear to be all knowing.  I talked about what I want for students in terms not of learning content but in terms of having a good life and helping them figure out what they want out of college.  

The conversations I had in classes yesterday felt very much in keeping with this.  I told students to write down their initial responses to the following: 'grades' 'good grades' 'gpa' 'learning' and to also recall and significant memories they have around any of these.  Then I put them in breakout rooms (on zoom) to discuss.  When they returned to the large group I had them share their observations.  After they did this (and they had such great conversations), I shared with them my desires for what the class would do for them.  I used the language not of content or even academic skills but found myself really speaking from the heart to say that I want the best for them whatever that might mean.  That I want to help them grow in the ways that they want to and that I also see myself as someone who is charged with working on behalf of their future selves.  I think what these conversations (I had two classes yesterday and will have this same discussion in my third class today) had in common with the letter that I wrote is that I was really speaking form the heart.  I wasn't filtering what I was thinking into some more 'professorial' language that was speaking from on high and with authority.  I simply was sharing with them what I want for them and made clear that these desires for them are really from the heart (though of course they connect to the head as well -- I am a philosopher after all).

At any rate, it feels good to be able to speak this way and to have it so well received.  I've had students already commenting on their response to the letter I posted "I've never gotten a letter from a professor.!" "That letter was so thoughtful and I was so interested to hear your thinking about teaching" are common comments -- both the pleased surprise at getting the sort of communication and their (apparent) genuine pleasure in understanding my thinking.

One part of me wants to immediately jump to 'everyone should be vulnerable in class' and thinking that that's the key.  But I think that it's more being authentic and the importance of that.  Of course, it may be the case that being authentic requires being vulnerable -- I'll have to think more about that -- but these are my thoughts of the moment.

that's it for now.